Fanfic Hospital

The doctor, an attractive redhead with legs as long as Blair was tall, was waiting to talk to him out in the corridor. Blair wasted no time in getting down to business. “How’s Jim, Doc?”

The doctor frowned. “Your friend is very sick. I am afraid he has fanfic flu.”

“Fanfic flu, what’s that?” asked Blair worriedly, glancing back toward the room in which Jim was sitting, gratuitously stripped to the waist. “Will he be okay?”

The doctor steepled her fingers thoughtfully. “Fanfic flu is very serious,” she intoned gravely. “It is far worse than regular flu, although there is some good news. His suffering will be great and prolonged, but I promise he will recover completely in time to have wild, monkey sex with you.” The doctor looked at her watch. “I estimate by around page twenty-two.”

Blair sighed in relief. “Well that’s something, anyway. Is there anything I can do to help alleviate his symptoms?”

“I recommend that you remove his clothing and carry him to bed, as he will have entirely lost the ability to do these things for himself. After that, you will need to sponge his muscular, sweaty torso regularly and thoroughly,” she added, dabbing at her face, which had become slightly flushed. “Use protracted and extreme tenderness, while speaking soft endearments in his ear.”

“Will that help?” asked Blair.

“Probably not. But this is what we fanfic doctors usually recommend.”

“There’s just one thing I’m wondering about, Doc,” Blair said. “You said we’d be having wild, monkey sex by page twenty-two. But,” he glanced back through the examining room window, where Jim’s muscular body seemed to have magically gotten coated in a light sheen of glistening oil, “I’m not gay, and neither is Jim!”

The doctor sighed, shaking her head sadly. “I’m afraid Sudden Onset Gayness is an inevitable side effect of fanfic flu. But don’t worry – Total Gayness is usually contraindicated in these circumstances. You will,” she clarified, “remain gay just for each other.”

“Oh wow,” Blair said, unable to tear his gaze away from the tanned, masculine Adonis attractively exuding manly sweat on the other side of the glass, and beginning to sweat a little himself. “So, should Jim stay home from work?”

“Absolutely,” said the doctor firmly. “He must stay isolated in bed – with you – for at least a week. Sudden Onset Gayness is a highly contagious condition, and if your partner were to expose others to it…” she tailed off meaningfully.

“Oh, man!” Blair exclaimed, making the connection. “You mean… the whole of Major Crime, or perhaps even the entire Cascade PD, could become suddenly gay for each other? Even though they are all as straight as me?”

“I’m afraid so,” the doctor confirmed. “And in the worst case scenario an epidemic of severe sexual conjugations, involving multipartner and even kink, could lead to Sudden Plot Death. Or SPD, as we experts like to call it.”

“Oh man,” Blair said. “I’d better get Jim home and into bed right away.”

Blair wasted no time in doing just that. However, just before the elevator doors closed, Jim’s breath hot on Blair’s throat, Blair caught a glimpse of the doctor, a pretty candy striper in her arms as they kissed passionately.

“Oh shit,” Blair said. “It looks like this plot is already doomed!”


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