Fanfic ComplicationsJim woke to the sound of the refrigerator door opening and closing. He stared at the alarm clock blearily - two thirty in the morning? The appreciative noises being made by Blair were reassuring, though. He'd had a stomach bug for the last few weeks and had resisted all Jim's attempts to get him to see a doctor, preferring to use some noxious herbal remedy recommended by Naomi instead. It looked like the remedy was finally starting to work.
With a soft groan, Jim rolled out of bed and headed downstairs to investigate.
"Hey, Jim. Did I wake you?" Blair smiled cheerily as he spread some brown stuff on his olive and sun dried tomato bagel. "Sorry, man. Want something to eat? I'm ravenous."
Jim's nose twitched. "What is that stuff, Chief?" He'd gotten used to seeing his neo-hippy roommate consume some pretty weird concoctions over the years, but this was something new.
"Nutella. Megan's parents sent her a whole caseload, and she gave me a jar. It's good for you - hazelnuts and chocolate." Blair forked a dill pickle out of the jar and crunched into it with gusto before squirting a generous dollop of Dairy Whip on top of the bagel. He peered around the counter top before turning towards the fridge with a muttered "Cheez-Whiz".
"Uh, Chief?" Jim swallowed, starting to feel a little nauseous himself. This was way beyond bizarre food choices, even for someone who had algae shakes for breakfast. "Are you okay?"
"Never felt better," Blair beamed. "Can you pass me the raspberry syrup?"
"So, what is it doc? A virus? A tumour?" Blair smiled nervously. He felt a flutter of panic. She'd barely even examined him before retreating behind her desk with a serious look on her face. He glanced over at Jim, who was trying to hide his worry without the slightest success. "At least tell me it's operable."
"I'm afraid not." She sighed and removed her glasses to stare at him with her brow attractively crinkled. "I'd hoped... but yours was a particularly severe case of SOGS. This was only to be expected."
Jim's hand clutched Blair's tightly. SOGS... Sudden Onset Gayness Syndrome; it had struck them both down and though Blair could never regret anything that had brought Jim into his heart (and, more importantly, his bed. Or him into Jim's bed. Whatever), he'd hoped that they'd seen the last of the medical complications arising from the syndrome. His ass still stung whenever he thought about the marathon spanking session he'd had with Jim when the COCKS had set in. Or the floods of tears when Jim had fallen prey to OTTA. He wondered what could possibly be worse than the things they'd already been through.
"You're pregnant, Blair."
Laughing hysterically seemed to Blair to be an appropriate response, but the doctor obviously disagreed. She came from behind the desk and slapped him sharply across the cheek.
"But, doc... I'm a guy. Guys don't get pregnant." He looked to Jim for confirmation, and his lover nodded decisive agreement. "It's gotta be something else." Suddenly a tumour didn't seem so bad. "I mean, I saw that Schwarzenegger movie, but that was just..." his voice trailed off at the look of pity on her face.
"We don't like to talk about it, but it is a fairly common side effect of SOGS." She leaned back against the desk, her voice falling into the 'teaching mode' that Blair often employed in his classes. "You'd be surprised at how often an MPREG occurs."
"MPREG?" Blair asked hollowly. He didn't like the sound of that.
"Male Pregnancy Resulting from Extreme Gayness," the doctor clarified.
"It must be something else." Blair rubbed his stomach. his jeans had been getting tight around the middle lately. "Just because I've been barfing a lot lately."
"Every morning, Chief." Jim's eyes were tragic. He'd obviously bought the diagnosis hook, line and sinker. "And you did say the other night that your nipp- hey, is he going to develop breasts?"
"Of course I'm not!" Blair snapped, without really thinking about it first. Then he realized that, one, Jim was probably right and, two, that he hadn't sounded all that upset at the idea. He glared at his lover and growled, "don't you even think about it, Jim. You're not getting your hands, or anything else, on…"
The doctor was looking at them both with a strangely avid expression on her face. Blair took a deep breath and continued more calmly. "So... can we do... you know... something to make it go away?"
Jim gasped in horror, but the doctor didn't even flinch. She'd obviously had a lot of experience in this kind of situation. "We don't even consider it as an option, Blair. Even though you think it's what you want, I can guarantee that by the time you were on the operating table you would change your mind. I've never heard of a case of a father-to-be actually going through with an abortion."
"Oh." Blair sagged in his chair. It was starting to sink in that in a few months, he and Jim were going to be fathers whether they wanted to be or not. "Um... how does it, uh, get out?" The very thought of it made him sweat.
The doctor laughed - rather condescendingly, Blair thought. "Why, the same way it got in, of course."
A chill ran though Blair. Oh, dear god... it had been bad enough in the throes of SOGS when Jim's dick had swelled up to monstrous proportions - anything over eight inches was a waste, in Blair's opinion (and gay porn be damned) - the thought of squeezing a baby out of his ass... and also, "That sounds awfully unhygienic. It won't harm the baby will it?"
"Oh, you needn't worry about that." She waved her hand airily. "You'll be given an enema... and you'll be shaved." Her eyes went all dreamy. "All over your body..." She shook her head sharply and patted the cheek she'd so recently slapped. "You won't have to worry your pretty little head over that."
Blair frowned. "You don't have to talk down to me just because I'm pre... par... prek..."
"Baby brain." The doctor ignored Blair, talking over his head to Jim as though he didn't exist any more. "That means he must be at least four months along. If he starts to show a predilection for wearing floral print maternity dresses, on no account let him do so. It could cause irreparable damage to the baby."
"I'll make sure he doesn't" Jim rose to his feet and came over to help Blair out of his chair. Blair clutched at his manly chest, sobbing with relief and wondering why it had suddenly got so much harder to get out of his chair. "There, there, precious. I'll take care of you both." He held onto Blair's arm as Blair tottered towards the door. "If only we'd known sooner. The baby's going to be all right isn't it?"
"I can promise you, she'll be absolutely perfect," the doctor assured them. "MPREG babies always are. She'll have big blue eyes and angelic blond curls, even though you're both dark haired, and she'll never cry, even when she's teething. In fact, I can guarantee that she'll always sleep through the night and her diapers will always smell clean and fresh, even when they're... uh... full." She blushed delicately. "Not only that, your beautiful daughter will charm even the most misanthropic, she'll always see the best in everything and will almost certainly grow up to be a ground breaking researcher, an astronaut, or a talented artist, especially if you name her Mary Sue."
"Wow…" Blair breathed. He felt humbled by the thought that he was carrying such a special child inside his body. And, even though he didn't really like Mary Sue as a name, he was pretty sure that Jim would insist on it, now that the doctor had told them how important it was. "Thank you, doctor. I feel so much better now. Honey, do you think we could stop by Home Depot on the way back to the loft? I saw in the newspaper yesterday they have a sale on floral print curtains right now. They'll be perfect for the nursery."
"Of course we can, sweetheart." Jim smiled down at him fondly. "And we should go to that craft shop, too. I've always wanted to learn how to knit baby bootees."